


I Want You To Want Me

by Frostly



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Dimples, Drinking, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Sleepy Hand Jobs, Some hurt/comfort, guYS the dimples are Important™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-10-28 08:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17784269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostly/pseuds/Frostly
Summary: "I’m fine with the way things are… Yixing is my friend and… and that’s fine. It’s enough.”Baekhyun wishes he could be casual enough to be convincing.





	I Want You To Want Me

**Author's Note:**

> [Self Prompt] Title from the song I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick
> 
> Hello,,, sooo I meant this to be... different lol I wanted it to be... _more_ , but instead I ended up with... this. 
> 
> This story was a bitch to write, sadly I don't really like how it turned out but I still wanted to post it so here it is! I hope you guys will like it enough. I tried to make it angsty but I'm not sure I succeeded much sigh
> 
> I'd like to thank my beta! She helped me SO much and she's been very patient with me all along even tho I literally hated every single scene I was writing lmao. I love you. 
> 
> And thanks to the mods for this fest!! 
> 
> Now, go read this thing...

Baekhyun balances the heavy box in his hands on one arm as he keys in the passcode to his apartment, stepping inside and softly closing the door behind himself with the heel of his foot. Shoes off, he silently carries the box into the living room and drops it on the couch, flopping down beside it with a tired huff.

Baekhyun hates moving, hates having to make endless lists, pack, move boxes, unpack again. He always ends up with a throbbing headache for days.

The only highlight of this whole ordeal has been the end goal: to get a new apartment, bigger and more spacious than the dorm room he’s been living in since his first year of college, with a _private_ bathroom and close to campus. And most importantly, Baekhyun gets to share all of this with his friend Yixing.

A smile grazes his lips at the thought and he sits up and grabs the box cutter that he’d left on the coffee table, opening the box and taking out a few books before going to arrange them on the empty bookcase.

He chuckles fondly as he thinks back to the first time he met Yixing, in their first year. He remembers the nervousness of starting a new chapter of his life, and the excitement, but most of all, he remembers Yixing.

Baekhyun had been in his assigned dorm room, unpacking, and he had been so lost in his thoughts that a sudden knock on the open door had made him jump and drop the things he was carrying, a startled yelp slipping out of his mouth. A soft voice had immediately apologized, rushing to kneel by his side, and when Baekhyun had turned his head he had found himself staring up at a boy with a contrite expression on his face. Like in those cheesy rom-coms, Baekhyun swears time had seemed to stop for a second as he was taking in just how gorgeous the boy was, with dark brown hair and pink lips, wearing a simple pair of jeans and a loose tank top. He’d snapped out of it only when the boy had apologized once more, helping him pick up his stuff from the floor, and introduced himself as Yixing, his roommate, thick lips spreading into a sweet smile when Baekhyun had repeated the name after him, the foreign syllables rolling off his tongue clumsily. A deep dimple had appeared on the boy’s right cheek and Baekhyun had felt weak in the knees, his heart thundering in his chest. He had never believed in love at first sight, but after his meeting with Yixing he figured he had some reevaluation to do.

It’s been a year since that first encounter and a year since Yixing snatched Baekhyun’s heart for himself, with no chance of returning it. Baekhyun knows, he’s tried getting his roommate out of his head many times, to no avail. The more he got to know him, the harder he fell. Yixing is kind, sweet, hardworking, passionate, a good friend and also a good boyfriend... an assessment Baekhyun has had the _absolute_ pleasure to confirm by the various girlfriends he’s seen Yixing date.

Unbidden, Baekhyun’s stomach knots as he takes a framed picture out of the box, a small pang in his chest, but he resolutely shakes himself. No time for pining. No _need_ for pining. Yixing is his friend and that’s all that matters. That’s _enough_. As long as Yixing is in his life, Baekhyun is happy.

He turns around to walk to the bookcase but bumps his knee against the table and nearly trips, a yelp tearing from his throat as the sudden movement makes him drop the frame. He miraculously manages to catch it a second before it can collide with the floor, his heart nearly stopping in the process.

“Shit,” he breathes out, sighing in relief, but slaps a hand over his mouth a split second later, eyes darting to one of the two bedrooms, its door closed. Yixing’s new bedroom.

Baekhyun stares at it, unmoving, and relaxes when it remains closed, but sure enough, a moment later he hears the soft click of a door being opened just as he turns away.

“Baekhyun?”

He looks up at the sound of his name and he sees Yixing, hair a mess and eyes droopy, sleepily stumbling out of his room.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says guiltily.

Yixing had been at the studio until late the night before, rehearsing with his dance crew, and Baekhyun had offered to move the last few boxes left at their dorm room by himself so that Yixing could rest properly. Now he went and ruined it.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up. Please go back to sleep, I promise I’ll be quiet.”

Yixing waves his apologies away as he walks closer, rubbing his eyes with his hand. “It’s okay, I feel rested, don’t worry.”

Baekhyun doesn’t feel reassured at all. Yixing is known to overwork himself in his dedication, often foregoing sleep and proper rest in the process. Baekhyun has lost count of how many times he’s had to force his friend to just take a break, keeping watch over him to make sure he slept more than four measly hours.

“But are you okay? I thought I heard you scream?”

“Um, sorry. I almost dropped this,” he says with a wince, holding up the frame in his hand.

Yixing smiles and takes the frame from him, placing it on a shelf. “Always so clumsy,” he chuckles and Baekhyun feels warmth spread in his chest at the fond look Yixing sends him over his shoulder.

“C’mon, I’ll help you unpack.”

“No, go to sleep,” Baekhyun insists, putting himself in front of the open box on the couch. “I can finish by myself, you need to rest!”

“Baek,” Yixing says, putting his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulders to gently move him out of the way. It’s ridiculous how even the slightest touch has Baekhyun’s heart skipping a beat. “I swear I feel rested. We’ll finish quicker together.”

Baekhyun sighs, defeated. Yixing is too stubborn. “Fine.”

Together they quickly clear through the box, spending a few extra moments to rearrange some of the things they had already unpacked.

“I’m starving,” Yixing says as he dusts off his hands. “Want to make lunch together?”

Baekhyun nods eagerly. Cooking together it’s something they picked up after a few weeks of living together, starting with cheap instant ramen one night at three am. It doesn’t happen that often, what with Yixing staying late at the studio most nights, but it’s something Baekhyun always looks forward to, even though he can’t cook for the life of him, admittedly too clumsy to not mess things up if left by himself. It’s mostly Yixing in charge of using the stove, but Baekhyun is happy to just follow Yixing’s directions and taste-test everything Yixing holds up to him with his sweet smile.

It’s just nice to be with Yixing like this, to stand side by side chopping or stirring, their hips bumping together, or to move about the kitchen and around each other, atmosphere relaxed with easy conversation and playful banter. It feels awfully domestic, and intimate, even more so now that they don’t have to share a communal kitchen with six other people.

“What do you feel like eating?” Yixing asks as he peers inside the fridge.

Baekhyun is at the sink, washing his hands. “Something quick,” he says. “Kimchi fried rice?”

Yixing hums in approval. “Sounds great,” he says, pulling things out of the fridge. “There’s still some leftover rice from yesterday.”

Baekhyun takes the thin black hairband Yixing keeps on a hook by the door for easy access and wordlessly slides it on Yixing’s head to keep his fringe from getting in his eyes while he cooks, Yixing helpfully bending his head for him.

“Thank you,” he murmurs and passes Baekhyun a green onion. “Chop this, please.”

Baekhyun nods and grabs the cutting board, settling beside Yixing as he places a pan on the stove.

“How long did you end up staying out yesterday?”

“Until four in the morning,” Yixing says as he adds the rice to the kimchi, an endearing look of concentration on his face.

“Damn,” Baekhyun says, brow furrowing. “Did you sleep until now?”

“Yep,” Yixing nods cheerfully. “Passed out as soon as I was done showering. Got a whole ten hours of sleep,” he says as he reaches for the cupboard above them, chest brushing against Baekhyun’s shoulder, and grins down at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun meets Yixing’s eyes and smiles too, pleased and a little dazed. “Good,” he murmurs and looks back down.

“Did you meet with the new students for the dorm room today?” Yixing asks him, stirring the rice.

“Yes,” Baekhyun says, looking up at him. “I dropped off the keys andー” he cuts himself off with a hiss when his knife slips, cutting the side of his finger. He drops the knife with a clatter and squeezes his finger with a soft whimper.

Yixing quickly turns to him, a worried frown on his face. “Are you okay?” he cuts off the heat and gently takes Baekhyun’s hand in his own, pulling him to the sink and pushing his finger under the cold water. He takes a fresh washcloth and wraps it around Baekhyun’s finger.

“Press it down,” he instructs and then bends his knees slightly to grab the back of Baekhyun’s thighs, hoisting him up on the kitchen counter in one swift move. “Let me get a band-aid”

Baekhyun watches him go into the bathroom in stunned silence, eyes blinking rapidly and fingers clenching around the cloth, and only snaps out of it when Yixing returns.

“Wait,” he blurts out, eyeing the small bottle of antiseptic in Yixing’s hands with distrust, and he stops him from coming closer with a socked foot against his stomach. “That stings. I don’t need that,” he is aware that he sounds like a whiny child, but he doesn’t care. That thing can _bu_ _rn._

Yixing lets out an amused breath through his nose and gently takes Baekhyun’s calf in his other hand, kneading it soothingly with his fingers. Baekhyun gulps. “C’mon, I need to clean the cut  before I can put a band-aid on it.”

After a few stubborn seconds, Baekhyun relents, reluctantly lowering his foot, and holds up his hand for Yixing to tend to the cut. Yixing smiles as he steps in between Baekhyun’s legs, bending in to take a better look at the finger.

The kitchen is quiet as Yixing gently dabs at the cut with a cotton pad, shushing Baekhyun softly when a small whine escapes from his lips at the sting.

“So clumsy,” Yixing murmurs for the second time that night as he unwraps the plaster, and Baekhyun experiences the full force of that fond look now that they’re at eye level. “Hurting your pretty fingers,” he tuts.

Baekhyun’s heart is rabbit quick in his chest, and he’s ridiculously hyper-aware of just how close Yixing is, so close he can feel Yixing’s warm breath hitting his face, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he applies the band-aid on his finger, almost too carefully for such a minor wound. So close Baekhyun’s thighs rest against Yixing’s hips. So close Baekhyun’s nose is full of Yixing’s scent. Sweet, like butter cake.

It’s almost a relief when Yixing straightens up and steps away. Almost. Baekhyun already misses his warmth, the proximity. He’s too greedy.

“Thank you,” he mumbles.

Yixing smiles at him. “No problem,” he says and gathers all the stuff he’s used to tend to Baekhyun’s cut. “Just be more careful next time. Eyes on the cutting board.”

Yixing goes to the bathroom to put the things away and Baekhyun barely has a chance to calm his beating heart before he comes back.

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun is bored. Very, very bored.

He’s been in the campus library for the past two hours working on his piece for his creative writing course, Yixing sitting beside him in their favourite study nook on the third floor.

The document open on his laptop screen is mocking him, along with his lacking creativity, and he’s long since given up on trying to come up with more than a few poorly written paragraphs, instead compelled to look out the window next to their table and stare at the rain falling on the campus quadrangle below.

With a sigh, he turns his head to look at Yixing, bent over his books with a concentrated look on his face. His lips are pressed together as he slides his yellow highlighter over a page and it makes a dimple appear on his cheek.

Baekhyun can’t help but smile at the sight and he silently slides closer to Yixing, reaching a hand to poke at the dimple with his finger. It never fails to make Baekhyun feel stupidly fluttery when he does so. Yixing is without a doubt the most handsome person Baekhyun has ever laid eyes on and he likes everything about him, every little detail, but Yixing’s dimples hold a special place in Baekhyun’s heart. He could talk about them all day, he could write pages and pages about how adorable they look, how they make Yixing’s smile even more beautiful than it already is, or about how damn attractive and ridiculously sexy they make him look when he bites on his thick lips, making it impossible for Baekhyun not to stare. They’re irresistible, drawing Baekhyun in like a magnet, and he loves to poke them, to press the tip of his finger to the soft skin. It’s one of his favourite things to do. He’s never seen anyone else do it and Baekhyun, being the hopeless, love-sick fool he is, likes to think it’s because Yixing allows only him to, only likes it when Baekhyun does it.

Dangerous, ridiculous thoughts.

Yixing stops what he’s doing and gives him a sideways look, lips stretching into a smile. The dimple deepens.

“Baek.”

“Mh?”

“Shouldn’t you be working on your piece?”

Baekhyun shakes his head and slides just a bit closer. “Words hate me today. This is better,” he says, tapping the skin of Yixing’s cheek.

Yixing chuckles and turns his head to playfully bite on Baekhyun’s finger, catching his wrist when Baekhyun hastily retreats his hand with a laugh. “Do I need to remind you that you need to submit your short story by tonight?”

Baekhyun deflates. “No,” he says, sulkily looking down, but his eyes snap back up when he feels Yixing’s fingers wrap gently around his palm for a second before trailing up to where he had cut himself with the knife. Baekhyun’s heart starts and stops in his chest.

“Keep trying,” Yixing says in that sweet tone of his. “We can go get take-out for dinner later when we’re done. What do you think?”

Swallowing, Baekhyun nods. “Yeah,” he says and it comes out a bit shaky. “Sounds good.”

Yixing gives him one last smile before turning back to his book. His hand stays on the desk in between them, fingers playing with Baekhyun’s finger, rubbing softly over the band-aid. Baekhyun can’t tell him that he can’t possibly focus on his work now when all he wants to do is hold his hand, so he forces his eyes away and trains them on his laptop, tapping on the touchpad to wake it up.

Another hour passes and Baekhyun looks away from his screen with a yawn, somewhat satisfied with what he’s been able to scrounge up so far, especially considering he’s been typing one-handedly. He saves the document, thinking about making a quick trip to the vending machines in the floor stairwell for a snack when a sudden loud voice, maybe a little too loud for a library, startles him out of his thoughts.

“Yixing!”

He looks up to see a girl making a beeline for their desk with a big smile on her face, eyes trained on Yixing. She looks pretty.

Yixing looks up too, letting go of Baekhyun’s hand when he spots the girl, and Baekhyun can’t help the slight twist at the bottom of his stomach. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he doesn’t have a good feeling about this.

“Song Qian,” Yixing says and gives the girl a smile of his own when she stops beside him. “I thought you didn’t like studying in the library?”

The girl is even more pretty up close, long black hair framing a small face with wide eyes and a full mouth.

The girl laughs, a tinkling sound. “I don’t but I have to meet with my professor, so I came here to pick up a book,” she says and holds up the book in her hands. “And you? Hard at work?”

“Yeah, I come here to study a lot with Baekhyun,” Yixing says, gesturing in Baekhyun’s direction.

The girl, still smiling, gives Baekhyun a polite nod, one that Baekhyun returns with a tight-lipped smile, and then focuses back on Yixing.

After a few moments Baekhyun quickly tunes out of the conversation. He doesn’t like jumping to conclusions, but he isn’t stupid. He knows what the girl’s ever present smile means, or the way she subtly leans in as she speaks with Yixing, or the casual, fleeting touch on his shoulder, and he knows what it means when Yixing turns more bodily towards her. He knows it perfectly. After all, he’s seen it happen enough times to recognize all the signals. He knows what’s coming but as always, he’s not prepared.

It hurts knowing that the person you’re in love with does not return your feelings. Baekhyun won’t lie, even if he’s grown used to it, deep down the pain is still very much there. It’s easier when he doesn’t have the glaring proof of his stupid unrequited love in front of his eyes, but then Yixing gets a girlfriend and Baekhyun is left to pick up the pieces of his broken heart all over again, all the while gritting his teeth as he tries to be supportive and act unaffected.

Baekhyun hates it and he hates himself too, hates his heart for choosing Yixing and for clinging onto him so stubbornly that he is left with no other possible choice but him. Because Baekhyun, he doesn’t want anyone else. He had tried at first, to forget about Yixing, tried seeing other people, and dating, and then tried to outright fuck Yixing out of his system, but it’s all for nothing if he just keeps wishing all those other people were Yixing.

Baekhyun is pulled out of himself by the girl’s cheerful goodbye, and he watches her disappear around the corner of a bookshelf.

“Who was that?”

“Song Qian?” Yixing asks as he turns back to Baekhyun. “I met her last weekend at dinner after rehearsal, she’s friends with some of the guys in the crew.”

Baekhyun nods and turns back to his laptop. “Got it.”

“I was thinking of asking her out.”

Baekhyun’s fingers freeze over the keyboard and he briefly closes his eyes. Here it comes. Baekhyun would laugh if he wasn’t feeling a block of ice making its way down his throat. He forces a smile and turns his head, but Yixing isn’t looking at him as he fiddles with his highlighter.

“That’s great, I think she’s kinda your type too.”

Yixing looks up at that. “No,” he says, and the look in his eyes makes Baekhyun frown, a little taken aback. “She’s really not.”

“Well,” Baekhyun hesitates. “Even if she’s not, she’s still cute. I say go for it.”

“Yeah,” Yixing says after a moment and turns his gaze back to his book. “I probably will.”

Baekhyun musters up a smile, confused, and then stands up. The atmosphere suddenly stifling him. “I’m hungry,” he says, grabbing his wallet. “I’m getting a snack. Do you want anything?”

“No, I’m fine, thank you.”

Baekhyun nods and makes his way to the vending machines, thoughts a jumbled mess.

 

Δ

 

Jongdae is already seated at a table at the café near campus when Baekhyun enters.

“I already ordered a coffee for you,” he says when Baekhyun plops down on the chair in front of him, sliding a cup over to him.

“Thank you, Dae,” Baekhyun says and gratefully takes a sip, sighing as the hot liquid goes down, warming him up.

“So,” Jongdae begins, fiddling with the lid of his drink. “How are things going?”

“Fine?” Baekhyun says, confused. “We saw each other this morning.”

“Oh, I know,” Jongdae hums with a shrug. “Just wondering… you seemed a little off, that’s all.”

Baekhyun tilts his head. “I’m not?”

Jongdae hums again. “Also, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about…”

He’s not looking at Baekhyun and suspicion makes Baekhyun narrow his eyes. He doesn’t have a good feeling about this.

“What is it?”

“Well, there’s a guy in my drawing class...”

Baekhyun thinks he already has an inkling of what this is about. “And?” he prompts, setting his coffee down.

“And he’s nice. Cute. I think… I think it could be a good match for you,” Jongdae gets the last part out in a rush and meets Baekhyun’s eyes, looking almost pleading.

Baekhyun sighs. There it is.

“Not interested, Dae."

“But you haven’t even met him!” Jongdae protests. “C’mon, give him a chance.”

“No,” Baekhyun sighs, turning his face to look around the café. He’s lost count of all the times he’s had this same exact conversation with Jongdae.

“Just one date!”

“I don’t want to date anyone, Jongdae, I’ve told you already.”

“That’s a lie,” Jongdae rebutts. “You do want to date.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Whatever. The one I want to date isn’t possible, so no, I don’t want to date anyone else.”  

Jongdae levels him with a look, but Baekhyun can see the concern in his eyes. “Maybe if you stopped running away from even the mere idea of ‘someone else’ you might just find yourself _someone_ and be able to move on, to forget.”

Baekhyun stares at his cup resolutely. “I don’t want to forget,” he mumbles.

“Baek,” Jongdae says, tone pleading. “Stop being so stubborn. You should either find someone else or talk to Yixing. Clear the air.”

At Baekhyun’s silence Jongdae pushes on.

“At least do it for yourself, you can’t keep bottling everything up, it’s not good for you,” he says earnestly. “And you never know, you might be glad you did.”

Baekhyun snorts. “As if it was that easy,” he says, shaking his head bitterly. “And tell me, have you ever seen Yixing with a guy?"

“No, butー”

“But nothing,” Baekhyun interrupts him. “There’s no chance and… and anyway, I’m fine with the way things are… Yixing is my friend and… and that’s fine. It’s enough.”

His voice is too quiet as he says so and he knows Jongdae can see right through him. He wishes he could be casual enough to convince the both of them.

“It’s better than nothing.”

Jongdae sighs, frustrated. “Baekー”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun warns him, pleads. “Please.”

Jongdae looks at him in silence, jaw working, for a few seconds before exhaling in defeat. “Okay,” he says. “Okay, fine.”

The rest of the evening goes by pleasantly after that and Baekhyun decides to bring Yixing a little something before going home. He knows his friend will be at the studio practicing until late again so he opts for some hot coffee and resolutely doesn’t think about Jongdae’s words.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he mutters to himself, picking up his pace as another gust of wind hits him, biting sharply at his cheeks, and he presses his cold fingers tighter against the cup he’s carrying, trying to leech some of its warmth into them. He quickly walks up the few steps that brings him to the campus dance studio’s entrance and pushes open one of the heavy doors, stepping inside and making his way to the big room Yixing and his crew usually practice in.

He hears no music coming from it as he stops in front of the glass windows, and he peers inside, eyes immediately setting on Yixing. He’s at the front, facing the floor to ceiling mirrors as he goes over a routine step by step, his movements slow and careful, the rest of the crew following behind him. He looks breathtaking with one of his trademark baseball caps covering half of his face as he looks down, and his loose tank top hangs off one of his shoulders as he moves. One hand grips the fabric of his sweatpants, and the pure focus setting his jaw makes it impossible for Baekhyun to tear his eyes off of him.

A particular step makes Yixing look up and he meets Baekhyun’s eyes through one of the mirrors, looking surprised for a second before a smile spreads over his face and softens his features. It makes Baekhyun feel stupidly fluttery, a smile of his own curving up the corners of his lips.

Baekhyun watches as Yixing stops what he’s doing and turns to the crew, and he can’t help the laugh that bubbles up at the evident relief on the others’ faces when Yixing gives them a five minute break. It’s no secret that Yixing is a real hardass when it comes to dancing and perfecting a routine, demanding nothing less than the best from everyone, himself foremost.

Yixing jogs up to the door, closing it behind himself when he steps out of the practice room. “Baek,” he says as he takes off his cap, carding a hand through his hair. From up close Baekhyun can see the sheen of sweat on his brow and upper lip. “What are you doing here?”

Baekhyun holds up the cup of coffee in his hands. “I came to bring you this,” he says. “For the late night ahead.”

Yixing’s smile softens and he stuffs the cap in his back pocket before taking the cup. “You didn’t have to.”

“I was nearby anyway,” Baekhyun waves him off. “Just thought I’d stop by.”

Yixing takes a sip of the warm coffee, giving a satisfied sigh after. “Thank you,” he murmurs, and it should be ridiculous, but Baekhyun feels fit to burst from the affection in Yixing’s tone, wrapping around him like a fluffy blanket.

“You should head back home soon, though,” Yixing continues, taking another gulp. “It’s pretty late already and there’s gonna be a big temperature drop tonight,” he reaches to tap Baekhyun’s cheeks and nose. “You’re already red from the cold.”

Baekhyun swats at his hand with a laugh. “Yes, mom,” he says with a roll of his eyes. “I’m going now.”

Yixing grins at him, taking his wrist. “I’ll see you tomorrow before class?”

Butterflies burst in Baekhyun’s stomach. “Yeah,” he says, trying his best not to sound as breathless as he feels. “Yeah, you will.”

Yixing lets him go, satisfied, and puts his cap back on. “Good,” he says. “Good night, then. I’ll be home around two, maybe three.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun says. “‘Night,” and watches as Yixing steps back into the practice room, finishing the coffee before setting the cup down and clapping his hands to get the others’ attention, resuming his position at the front. Baekhyun smiles when he sees determination wash over the dance crew’s faces and he waves at Sehun and Jongin before making his way back to the studio’s entrance.

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun shuffles his feet along the brick paving of the campus quadrangle, a morose frown etched on his face. He’s tired and he’d had to soldier through another lecture for his classic literatures elective. The professor is a famous pompous ass and Baekhyun had barely managed to suppress the urge to just get up and go get a coffee at the nearest café. He wants nothing more than to go home and burrow himself under the covers for a not so quick nap, but he still has three more classes to attend.

He looks up with a tired sigh but immediately perks up when he catches sight of Yixing standing in the middle of one of the paths that criss cross through the quad, not too far from the one he’s walking on, looking over his shoulder with a smile.

The frown smoothes away from Baekhyun’s face and an elated smile tugs at his lips instead. Because of their different majors and conflicting schedules, it’s so rare to stumble across each other on campus that Yixing looks almost like a mirage, the most handsome mirage, and Baekhyun jumps at the opportunity to spend time with him, even if it’s just for five minutes before he has to rush to his next class. It’s worth the inevitable tardiness.

He starts walking in Yixing’s direction, opening his mouth to call his name, but stops dead in his tracks when he sees a slight figure appear from behind Yixing’s back, long black hair swishing in the cold wind.

It’s the girl from the library. Song Qian.  

Rocks weigh heavy in Baekhyun’s stomach as he watches her loop her arms around Yixing’s arm, eyes crinkling prettily as she laughs at something Yixing says.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, Yixing said he was going to try and date the girl, but Baekhyun is caught off guard, and it hurts. It hurts, but it also makes Baekhyun angry because he should be used to it, after time and time again it should at least be a little bit easier. But he still feels like the world is crashing down on him. And as much as it pains him to admit, seeing them like this, smiling and walking together, makes it clear how good they look together, how nicely they fit.

He’s frozen in his spot, feeling stupid, and powerless, and he gasps when he sees the girl reach out with her finger to poke Yixing’s dimple. Baekhyun’s heart stutters to a stop in his chest and it shrinks, stomach dropping to his feet. For all the girlfriends Baekhyun has had to endure, no one had been allowed this one thing, it had always been _his_. And now it’s been taken away from him.

It’s the last straw.

Eyes stinging, Baekhyun turns on his feet and doesn’t look back. He tries not to let the ache in his chest overpower him and bubble up into a sob as he rushes home.

 

Δ

 

Two hours later find Baekhyun on the couch, hugging one of the throw pillows to his chest. He’d managed to hold it in right until the door of the apartment had closed behind him, and then the tears had spilled freely down his face as he’d let himself slump against the cushions, cursing himself all the while. He’s calmed down now, the pain has numbed a bit, like it usually does, and he’s turned on the TV, more to fill the silence than anything else.

He straightens up at the sound of the door opening and hastily wipes at any remaining traces of his pity party with his hands, fixing his fringe and hoping the red likely still rimming his eyes won’t be a dead giveaway.

“Hey,” comes Yixing’s voice from the entrance. “Did one of your classes get cancelled? You’re usually still on campus at this hour.”

Without turning, Baekhyun clears his throat. “No,” he says, and tries his best to sound normal. “I left early.”

“Oh,” Yixing says and Baekhyun hears him rounding the couch just before he plops down beside him. “Are you okay?”

Baekhyun nods, eyes fixed on the TV. “Yeah, I just felt tired.”

He can feel Yixing’s eyes on him and he reluctantly turns his head to face him when Yixing takes his wrist, gently pulling at it to make him turn around. He’s looking at him with concerned eyes, his brow furrowed lightly, and it makes Baekhyun’s weary heart constrict with guilt and longing.

“Are you really okay?”

Baekhyun forces a smile, putting effort into making it look genuine. “Yup,” he says, tone chipper. “I just needed to take a nap, that’s all,” he pulls his wrist away from Yixing’s grip, careful to make the movement feel natural.

Yixing looks at him for a second longer but eventually nods, the creases on his forehead smoothing. “Okay,” he says and sinks more into the cushions, resting his head on the back of the couch with a sigh. “Today felt never ending. I might catch some sleep too before I have to head to the studio.”

They lapse into silence, and Baekhyun lets his eyes roam Yixing’s face, taking in the slope of his nose and the curve of his lips, the movement of his chest as he breathes, relaxed on the couch.

He’s so beautiful that it makes Baekhyun’s heart ache.  

Images of Yixing and the girl together play in his mind and he clutches the pillow in his hands tighter, pressure mounting in his chest as the yearning and the longing threaten to overpower him again.

“Do you like Song Qian?” Baekhyun blurts out, breaking the silence.

He needs to hear it, he needs to hear if someone else has snatched Yixing’s heart away from him once again, and he needs to hear it from Yixing, shattering Baekhyun’s heart into a million pieces without realizing.  

Baekhyun swallows as he watches Yixing blink his eyes open and turn his head to look at him.

“She’s nice,” he says, and his eyes betray nothing, which just makes Baekhyun want to huff in frustration. “Why?”

Baekhyun looks down, playing with a bare thread sticking out of the pillow. “I just thought that it must be going well with her,” he mumbles with a shrug. “I mean, I even saw her poking your cheeks like whatever."

Yixing straightens up at that. “When?”

“Today,” Baekhyun says and forces another smile as he casts a glance up at Yixing. “Guess you must really like her. I’ve never seen anyone do that. Except me,” he bites his lips as soon as the words are out of his mouth, and he looks up, afraid of having revealed himself too much.

Yixing looks perturbed, his jaw tense, like Baekhyun’s struck a chord.

"She wanted to," he says. "But I didn't let her," he trains his eyes to the TV, shifting his hands onto his lap, and mumbles the last part so low that Baekhyun is sure he's not supposed to hear it. "I wouldn't let anyone else do that."

Baekhyun’s breath catches in his throat at the words, stomach making a tentative flip even as Yixing won’t meet his eyes.

“Oh.”

They fall silent once again and Baekhyun tries to settle his warring thoughts but eventually he gives up and scoots closer to Yixing instead, pressing against his side and leaning his head on his shoulder. He sighs when Yixing’s arm immediately wraps around him, reveling in the proximity. No matter how this fucked up situation tears him up all the time, the only person who he can truly find comfort in, and who can soothe him, is Yixing. As absurd and contradictory as it sounds, Yixing is the only one with both the power to break him and heal him.

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun’s mouth stretches around a yawn as he opens the apartment door and he unceremoniously drops his backpack on the floor when he steps inside, shedding his coat and shoes before making a beeline for the kitchen. His plan is to make the world’s fastest sandwich and then pass out starfished on his bed to make up for the three days of almost no sleep spent finishing a dissertation. Good times where he saw more of the campus library than of his own apartment.

“Yixing?” he calls as he enters the kitchen, sleepily rubbing his eyes, but stops when sees that it’s not Yixing standing in front of the stove.

“Baekhyun, hi,” Song Qian greets him with an open smile when she turns to him. “How are you?”

She’s officially Yixing’s girlfriend now. Yixing had casually dropped the bomb one evening a few weeks ago, heading out to the studio right after and leaving Baekhyun to try and breathe around the shard lodged in his bleeding heart, even though he knew the moment would come, sooner or later.

Baekhyun has had the chance to get to know her better now that she hangs out with their friend group more and really, there’s no reason for him to even try and muster the force to hate her. Not that he wants to either, he’s not the type anyway.

She’s smart and funny and laid-back, what’s there not to like? Baekhyun doesn’t hate her, she seems to make Yixing happy, looking right at home under Yixing’s arm or with her head on his shoulder, and that’s what matters. It’s what _should_ matter.

Baekhyun had even managed to forget all about it amidst the craziness of the past few days, all about the stupid, crushing detail that is the fact that Song Qian has finally managed to carve a place for herself in Yixing’s heart. But of course, the universe wouldn’t waste a chance to remind him of everything he can’t have.

This is the first time she’s come over though and seeing her here, in their apartment, cooking in their kitchen, feels like a new kind of violation, and all the fatigue and sleepiness Baekhyun was feeling leaves him at once, another type of weariness settling in his limbs and his heart.

“Hey,” he says, shooting her a smile of his own, and he forces his feet to move. “A little tired, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of days.”

Song Qian chuckles as she stirs something in a pot. “Yixing did tell me you had a project or something due today. He was so concerned about you, it was cute.”

Unsolicited, a curl of warmth stubbornly worms its way into Baekhyun’s chest at the words, but he’s quick to quash it down. “Yeah, a dissertation,” he mumbles, opening the fridge only to close it again a few moments later. He’s lost his appetite anyway.  

“I’m sure it went well,” Song Qian reassures him cheerfully. “Are you hungry? We’re making stew.”

“Um, not really actually,” he tells her just as Yixing enters the kitchen, eyes lighting up when he spots Baekhyun.

“You’re back,” he says and walks up to him to pull him into a hug. “I’ve hardly seen you lately.”

Baekhyun allows himself to be weak for a moment and clings to Yixing’s hoodie, breathing in his sweet scent as he hides his face in his shoulder before pulling away and putting distance between them.

“I’m finally done,” he tells him and gives him a small smile as he goes to pour himself a glass of water.

“How did it go?

“Dunno yet,” he shrugs, taking a sip. “The professor said he’ll let us know the results in two weeks.”

“Have you eaten? You can have dinner with us.”

“I asked him already but he said he’s not hungry,” Song Qian pipes up with a cute pout.

Yixing frowns at him. “You should eat something though.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. “It’s fine, I just really want to sleep right now,” he says and puts the glass in the sink.

“Okay,” Yixing relents, opening a cabinet to take out two bowls and smiling at Song Qian when she passes him the spoons. “We’ll leave you something to eat for later then.”

“Thanks,” Baekhyun says, hardly more than a whisper, and watches how easily they move together around the kitchen, as if they’ve been doing this for years, before forcing his gaze away.

Inside his room, he burrows himself under the covers, eyes squeezing shut as he tries to ignore how his chest throbs painfully as that familiar shard digs its way deeper into his heart.

Perhaps in time the edges will dull.

 

Δ

 

The auditorium is already filled with students when Baekhyun and his friends arrive and they have to wade through the crowd to reach their seats near the front of the stage.

“When is Yixing’s crew gonna perform exactly?” Chanyeol asks as they settle.

“There’s like, ten groups before them,” Jongdae says looking at the small leaflet he had taken at the entrance. “And Yixing is going to have a duet with Taemin at the end.”

Baekhyun nods along as he takes off his jacket, a small but proud smile secretly curving the corners of his lips.

“Nice,” Chanyeol says, taking a GoPro out of his bag and turning it on.

Jongdae bursts into a peal of laughter when he sees the small camera “You didn’t really bring that.”

“What?” Chanyeol retorts. “We gotta document this kind of stuff!”

“Sure,” Jongdae snorts. “Just make sure to focus on the _whole_ crew and not just Jongin,” he says, making Baekhyun laugh.

“Shut up,” Chanyeol sniffs and holds up the camera, making a peace sign over his eye. “Now smile losers.”

Baekhyun sticks out his tongue for a quick photo and then leaves Jongdae and Chanyeol to take more silly pictures together, letting his eyes wander around the auditorium as a nervous sort of excitement thrums in his veins.

“Guys!"

The three of them look to their right to see Song Qian and a few other friends of the crew making their way towards them and Baekhyun has to catch himself before he lets his expression fall, doing his best to greet them as enthusiastically as Jongdae and Chanyeol. Of course she would come see the showcase, she’s here to show support for her boyfriend just as Baekhyun wants to show support for his _friend_. Baekhyun is sure his brain is working against him since it seems to like to make him forget about these things if only to make the blow to his gut feel all the harder.

“We saw you sitting here so we thought we’d join you,” she says, taking the seat beside Baekhyun’s. “The view of the stage is much better too,” she turns to Baekhyun with a smile. “Excited?”

Baekhyun forces a smile of his own, willing his stomach to just stop churning so pathetically. This isn't about him or his stupid feelings, it’s about Yixing. “Yes,” he says with a nod.

He’s grateful when the lights dim right in that moment, the first group taking the stage, and he makes an effort to ignore Song Qian’s presence right beside him and instead focus on enjoying the show.

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun hums to himself as he looks into the mirror, carding a hand through his hair. The showcase had ended a few hours ago and he and Yixing had come back home after Yixing had managed to tear himself away from the crew to get ready for the after party Taemin had insisted on having at his place.

He deliberates a little before picking up his eyeliner, uncapping it as he leans in closer to the mirror, but he’s startled by the sudden sound of Yixing’s voice at his door.

“Eyeliner? Someone means business tonight.”

Baekhyun snorts as he turns around, but freezes when he sees Yixing is wearing nothing but a pair of soft looking sweatpants, his damp hair slicked back from his forehead, and really it’s not fair how Baekhyun’s heart stops in his chest and his breath catches. It’s not fair how Baekhyun wants, wants, _wants_ . It’s not fair how feelings starts bubbling up inside him all over again, demanding attention that Baekhyun can’t give, can’t _let himself_ give. He swallows everything back as best he can.

“Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

Yixing shrugs as he pads into the room.

“There is no rush.”

He stops at Baekhyun’s side and he’s looking at him with a smile so soft that it has Baekhyun looking away before anything can spill over and give him away.

“Let me do it for you.”

The words stop Baekhyun’s hand mid-air and he turns back to look at Yixing in confusion.

“What?”

“Your eyeliner,” Yixing says, pointing with his finger. “Let me do it for you.”

Baekhyun blinks and Yixing laughs, taking the eyeliner from his hand and moving him until they’re standing face to face, steading Baekhyun’s chin with his fingers. Baekhyun comes to himself just as Yixing leans in to bring the brush to one of his eyes, and he jerks his face back.

“Wait,” he blurts out, grasping Yixing’s wrist. “You don’t know how to do this.”

Yixing’s warm exhale hits his face and it makes a shiver run down Baekhyun’s spine. Too close. “I’ve seen you do it enough times.”

“That doesn’t automatically mean you know what you’re doing.”

Yixing rolls his eyes, amused. “C’mon,” he insists, looking into Baekhyun’s eyes, and Baekhyun can’t believe he’s caving, can’t believe he’s this easy. But he is, he is for Yixing.

“Don’t you trust me?”

“No…” Baekhyun says. “But I do trust wet wipes so… have at it. I guess. Don’t make me look like a panda.”

Yixing beams at him and the sight of his dimples so close is enough for Baekhyun’s heart to wobble dangerously. He releases Yixing’s wrist and tentatively closes his eyes, letting Yixing angle his face as he pleases. He swallows thickly when he feels Yixing’s arm hooking around his lower back, pulling him closer, but he doesn’t open his eyes and instead blindly grasps at Yixing’s side, the bare skin burning under his palm.

The room is quiet as Yixing applies the eyeliner with slow, careful strokes and Baekhyun loses track of time as he drowns in Yixing’s intoxicating smell and the warmth that’s coming off of his body in waves that threaten to knock him off his feet and crash right into Yixing’s chest.

He knows all of this is going to come back to bite him in the ass later, but Baekhyun is weak. And sad. And helplessly, stupidly in love.

“Okay,” Yixing whispers as he gives one last stroke on the inner corner of Baekhyun’s right eye. “Okay, you can look now,” he steps back, letting his arm fall away from around Baekhyun’s back.

Baekhyun opens his eyes and reluctantly pulls his hand away from Yixing’s side to look into the mirror. He’s surprised to see Yixing has done a pretty decent job for a first timer, the line is a little wobbly at the edges and thicker than what he would usually go for, but Yixing did it so Baekhyun will leave it as is.

“Well?”

He turns back to Yixing. “I’m not a panda.”

Yixing shoves at his shoulder and Baekhyun laughs. “Fine, fine, I like it, it’s not bad,” he says, smiling at Yixing’s victorious smile. “Now go get dressed,” he shoos him away, waving a hand. “It’s too cold for you to go around without a shirt.”  

 

Δ

 

An already drunk Taemin greets them at the door, enthusiastically pulling them inside and disappearing right after, mumbling something half-coherent about getting them drinks. There are people dancing in the middle of the living room, while the rest is scattered around the big apartment, and Baekhyun isn’t sure he even recognizes half of them.

“I see Jongin and Chanyeol by the kitchen,” Yixing says, tugging on Baekhyun’s sleeve to  speak close to his ear and make himself heard over the loud music, and Baekhyun unconsciously leans into his side.

“Do you see Jongdae? Those two will probably start sucking faces any minute now,” he says wryly, meeting Yixing’s eyes with an arched brown.  

Yixing smiles down at him and there's something in his gaze that catches Baekhyun's attention, something making the air around them vibrate, static with things unsaid, and he can't help leaning closer when Yixing shifts to face him, but he quickly pulls back again when he sees Song Qian approaching them out of the corner of his eye, and the moment passes into nothingness like always.

“You guys finally came,” she exclaims, a chastising frown pulling down the corners of her lips, but the look in her eyes is soft with affection. She goes to loop her arms around Yixing’s neck, and Baekhyun has to look away when she leans up to press a kiss to his lips. “Dance with me?”  

With that, she takes Yixing’s hand and tugs him towards the living room, where she guides his arms around her waist. Baekhyun remains standing there watching them, unable to move as his chest constricts painfully.

Taemin reappears right in that moment, carrying two plastic cups in both hands, and Baekhyun snatches one quickly, downing the drink in one swift move and reaching for the other. He doesn’t know what’s in them, the liquid bitter and rough on his tongue, but it burns as it goes down his throat, so it’s perfect. If only it could burn away a whole year of pathetic yearning but Baekhyun isn’t lame enough to really hope for such a quick fix.

Loving Yixing this much is hard, exhausting, and Baekhyun is just… tired. He’s tired of thinking about Yixing every minute of every day and feeling so sad all the time. He wants a break, he wants to stop thinking for a while, if only for one night, and if getting drunk and having to deal with a hangover the next morning is what can help distract him from the ache in his chest, then he’ll take it.

Taemin cheerfully claps him on the back and drags him towards the kitchen.

The evening passes by in a flurry of drinking games, chatting and awkward dance offs with Jongdae, and Baekhyun feels good. Actually, he feels great, his mind fuzzy with alcohol and blissfully blank.

At some point he finds himself leaning against someone’s firm, broad chest, and he relishes in the secure hold around him as he dances, but the hands on his waist don’t feel right when he covers them with his own to slide them down on his hips, and the guy is definitely too tall. It feels nothing like when Yixing holds him, so he stumbles out of the guy’s arms with a huff, throwing an apology over his shoulder, and goes to lean against a wall, waiting for the room to stop spinning so unpredictably.

A huge smile breaks across his face when he opens his eyes and sees Yixing making his way over to him, and he immediately tugs at his arm, feeling a giddiness building in his chest. He’s missed him so much.

“ _Yixing_.”

“Baek,” Yixing says. “I’ve been looking for you.”

“You found me!” Baekhyun giggles as he fists his shirt with his other hand, pulling him closer.

Yixing gets a good look at him. “How much did you have to drink?”

“Taemin fixed me a drink. Or more? He said it’s his secret recipe!” he drawls cheerfully. “And beer too but I didn’t like it!”

Yixing shakes his head and reaches a hand to gently wipe under Baekhyun’s eye with his thumb. “The eyeliner got all smudged,” he says and the fondness in his eyes makes Baekhyun smile wider, adoration bubbling deep inside him.

“We should dance,” he says, wrapping his arms around Yixing’s waist, but he doesn’t move away from the wall and instead cuddles up against Yixing’s chest, letting out a content sigh when Yixing pulls him closer.

The music and people fade away and Baekhyun basks in the embrace as Yixing cards a hand through his hair, the repetitive movement lulling. The room isn’t spinning anymore and he can only feel warmth and contentment through the pleasant buzz in his head.

Baekhyun lifts his head and lets his eyes roam all over Yixing’s face. Beautiful, and so close. Close enough to kiss, even, but that’s such a silly notion that Baekhyun almost starts giggling.

“You looked so good on stage,” he says when Yixing meets his eyes, words slightly slurred. “You look so sexy when you dance, I like it so much.”

Yixing tilts his head as he stares at him. “You think I’m sexy?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says and laughs, the alcohol in his system making him feel weightless, a little numb around the edges, definitely reckless, but there’s just something so liberating in speaking so freely.

“And you like it?”

Baekhyun laughs again, because of course. Of course, he likes it. He likes everything about Yixing, so he nods and pillows his cheek on Yixing’s shoulder.

“What else?"

That gives him pause, and he raises his head again. Where does he even begin?

“I like…”

Yixing’s lips press together expectantly and Baekhyun’s eyes automatically settle on his dimples.

“Your dimples,” he says before slowly leaning forward to place a soft, lingering kiss on the one closest to the corner of Yixing’s mouth, a spark zinging from his numb lips into his veins at the contact.

“Baekhyun,” Yixing says when he pulls away, almost a whisper, and there’s something painful in his eyes, like something that’s trying to claw its way up and over the surface. It almost looks like yearning to Baekhyun’s intoxicated mind.

Yixing opens his mouth again but whatever he was going to say doesn’t make it out as he’s suddenly jerked back by a hand on his shoulder.

“There you are!”

Song Qian’s giggle pierces through their little bubble as she rips Yixing from Baekhyun’s arms and right into her own and just like that, the spell breaks. The music and chattering crashes back and Baekhyun’s hands fall limpily at his sides. He watches, frozen, as Song Qian crowds into Yixing’s space and crashes their lips together in a hungry kiss before dragging him away. His eyes meets Yixing’s for a second before he disappears into the mass of dancing bodies.

Pressure pushes against his ribcage and Baekhyun stumbles back against the wall, breathing in quick, short breaths. His lungs and nose burn as he stares at the floor and he squeezes his eyes shut when his vision starts to blur.

A laugh tears from his throat, a pathetic, ugly sound. He obviously hasn’t put in enough effort if he can still feel himself shattering inside, so he pushes himself away and blindly moves towards the kitchen.

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun wakes up the next morning feeling like he's been run over by a truck. He tries to roll over in the bed but even the smallest of movements makes his brain rattle painfully in his head, so he gives up, wincing at the sunlight peeking through the blinds.

It takes him a few minutes to realize he’s not in his bedroom and he sits up in a haste, panicking, until he recognizes the familiar Girls’ Generation poster on the door, and then a sudden wave of nausea doubles him over.

His loud, pitiful groaning alerts Jongdae that he’s awake and he enters the room, wordlessly handing him a tall glass of water and some aspirin.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Baekhyun rasps, his mouth feeling cottony and disgusting, and downs the water and tablets. “What time is it?”

“Noon.”

“Why am I in your room?”

“You were too shitfaced to walk back to your apartment by yourself and mine is closer so I made Chanyeol carry you here.”

“Ah,” Baekhyun breathes, leaning back against the headboard and closing his eyes, willing away the dizziness. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jongdae sighs and looks at him in silence for a moment before opening his mouth again. “So... wanna tell me what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you get so drunk yesterday? You never do.”

“For fun.”

Jongdae sighs sharply. “It wasn’t fun,” he says. “You threw up all over my bathroom,  _crying_ , and then passed out.”

Baekhyun winces. “Sorry.”

“You were saying Yixing’s name. A _lot_.”

Baekhyun’s still upset stomach drops and he opens his eyes to meet Jongdae’s gaze, tone defeated. “Was I?”

“Yes.”

He doesn’t know what to say, so he lowers his eyes and keeps silent.

“You have to do something, Baek, you can’t go on like this,” Jongdae says and there’s real worry lining his mouth and furrowing his brow.

“I know.”

“Then _do_ something. Find someone else.”

“What if there is no one else?”

“There is, there _has_ to be. This isn’t doing you any good, you have to move on,” Jongdae insists, stern, but his face softens a second later and he smirks. “You just have to convince your stubborn little brain,” he says, tapping at Baekhyun’s forehead with his finger before flicking it.

Baekhyun weakly slaps his hand away and whines. “Hey, be gentle with me, I’m still in pain here.”

“Serves you right for getting trashed and emo,” Jongdae tells him. “Now go shower, you stink.”

Baekhyun huffs but does as told, treading carefully through the room in fear of another wave of nausea. At the door, he turns around and looks at his friend.

“Thank you,” he says and gives Jongdae a small smile. “I’ll be okay.”

Jongdae returns it. “I know.”

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun bites his lips as he slips inside the apartment, quietly shutting the door. Jongdae told him he had texted Yixing to let him know Baekhyun was going to crash at his place the other night, and since he knows Yixing prefers Baekhyun to text him himself, he’s expecting a displeased Yixing and he’s not really looking forward to facing him.

When he finally turns around though, what he finds isn’t Yixing waiting for him with a worried frown, but a quiet, empty house. The guilt makes way for confusion and he quickly takes off his shoes and jacket before taking a few uncertain steps into the living room.

“Yixing?” he tries calling, but no response comes from the kitchen, nor a sound of light padding of feet from one of the other rooms. Everything stays silent.

The air is cold around him, meaning that nobody had turned the heating on that morning, and Baekhyun hugs himself as a chill seeps into his skin.

The realization hits him painstakingly clear then.

Yixing isn’t home.

Yixing probably _never_ came home.

Woozy memories of Yixing being dragged away by Song Qian, disappearing right before Baekhyun’s eyes, resurface at the front of his mind and Baekhyun listlessly moves to let himself fall on the couch.

The conversation he had earlier with Jongdae comes back to prod and pierce at his ribs as he stares unseeingly at the floor. The truth stings, easily passing through his skin and clawing at his worn out heart.

The silence gets too loud then, the emptiness surrounding him suffocating, and he hastily takes out his phone.

“Dae?” he says when the line clicks, and he hates how small his voice sounds. “Can I stay with you for a while?”

 

Δ

 

After a whole week of avoiding Yixing's persistent calls in favor of burying himself in school work, Baekhyun is exhausted. Keeping away from Yixing is hard, even if Jongdae does his best to distract him with take-out and constant chattering. It’s hard when even the broken pieces of his heart are missing Yixing too, but pretending like everything is fine isn’t an option anymore. He told Jongdae that he’ll be okay, but he won’t be okay if he doesn’t learn to stop wanting what he can’t have, if he doesn’t learn to fill the little Yixing shaped hole in his chest.

Back at the apartment, Baekhyun makes a beeline for his bedroom to grab a new change of clothes and a few books, like he’s been doing for the past few days, waiting until he’s sure Yixing is in class or at the studio, but he stops short when he sees Yixing walking out of the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, heart thudding in his chest.

Yixing has his arms crossed over his chest and displeasure furrows his brow as he stares at him. “Practice was cancelled.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun breathes and lowers his eyes. “Okay.”

He moves to take another step but the tone of Yixing’s voice stops him.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not.”

The lie is feeble even to his own ears and Yixing’s mouth twists.

“Yes, you are. I waited for you the day after Taemin’s party but you never came home. You haven’t been home for the whole week. You don’t even answer my calls and barely answer my texts.

Baekhyun keeps his eyes on the floor, gripping the bag in his hand tighter as guilt twists his stomach. “I’m sorry…”

“Do you want to move out? Is that it? You don’t want to live with me anymore?”

Yixing’s voice is subdued now, vulnerable, and it makes him look up to meet Yixing’s eyes, chest constricting.    

“ _No_.”

“Then what is it?”

Baekhyun exhales sharply, shakily. All the sadness and the hopelessness he’s been feeling up until now, that’s been simmering under his skin these past few days, crowd up in his chest, like a heavy weight pressing down on him. It makes him want to close his eyes and pretend nothing is wrong, but he knows it won’t work, because everything is wrong, so he forces them open.

“Yixing, please, I justー I just need some time okay?”

Yixing shakes his head, helpless. “ _Why_?”

The heavy weight is condensing and compressing inside him, the confusion and hurt blazing in Yixing’s eyes, hurt that _he_ has put there, making it expand until everything wells up and finally tips over.

“Because I can’t do this anymore,” he bursts out and lets his bag fall to the floor as his eyes fill with tears. “I can’t keep pretending like everything is fine and like my heart doesn’t break every time you find someone else that isn’t _me_. I love you Yixing and Iー I can’t keep doing this, I need to get away from you, Yixing, okay? At least for a little while. I can’t... I’m in love with you but you’re... I just have to give myself a chance to get over you. Otherwise, our friendship, Iー I can’t lose that too..."

He falls on his knees from the enormity of what he’s just confessed, worry and fear of having ruined everything whirling in his mind, but there’s relief too, easing his shoulders.

Hands come to cup his face as Yixing kneels in front of him. “Baek,” he says, gently wiping away the tears that are rolling down his cheeks with his thumbs. “Hey, stop crying, listen to me. I love you too, okay?”

“What?” Baekhyun asks in a wobbly voice.

“I love you too,” Yixing repeats and leans in to press a chaste kiss on Baekhyun’s lips, making him let out a tiny gasp of shock.

“Butー but what about those girls?”

“I was just trying to get over you,” Yixing says, still stroking his cheeks. “But it never worked. Most of them broke up with me because they could sense I wasn’t really there with them... and it was true. I always felt like something was missing, nothing was quite perfect,” he sighs. “They just weren’t you.”

Baekhyun’s ears are ringing and he’s struggling to make sense of what Yixing is saying. “You… you like _boys_ too?”

Yixing lets out a small chuckle at that. “Yes.”

“I… I thought you didn’t. I’ve never _seen_ you with one.”

“I tried… but it just reminded me of what I couldn’t have with you,” Yixing says with a shake of his head. “In the end I just stopped.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun breathes, overwhelmed. Everything he knows, that he thought he knew, is crumbling right before his eyes and he feels hope flicker back to life inside him.

“But I do like them,” Yixing continues, looking at him with a smile. “ _Especially_ you. I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you, really. You looked so cute puttering around our dorm room,” he leans in for another kiss.

Baekhyun gasps again at the soft press of Yixing’s lips and springs forward to crash their mouths together, falling against Yixing. The momentum makes Yixing lose balance and fall on his back on the floor, hitting his head hard with a pained groan.

“Shit,” Baekhyun says, breaking the kiss and pushing himself up, gingerly feeling around the back of Yixing’s head. “Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Yixing breathes, smiling up at him. “Yeah, just come here,” and pulls him in with a hand on his nape.

The rush of kissing Yixing thrills right through Baekhyun’s body as their mouths move together, slotting and sliding perfectly against each other, and he feels himself go weak when Yixing licks past his lips to curl their tongues together.

“Wait,” he says then, pulling away to look at Yixing. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? I’ve wanted this for _so long_ , it’s been tearing me up.”

“I have too, I was just afraid to initiate something because I didn't think you wanted to date at all and I knew I wanted more than just sex with you,” Yixing says matter of factly.

Baekhyun stares at him, stunned. “Why would you think something like that?”

“Because I heard you tell Jongdae that a long time ago and I haven’t seen you dating anyone.”

Baekhyun punches him in the chest. “That's because I was always hung up on _you_ ,” he exclaims, punching him again.

“ _Ow_ ,” Yixing yelps and takes his wrists to stop him. “Ow, Baek, stop, how was I supposed to know? You didn’t say anything either!”

“Because I didn’t even know if you’d even go for a guy, I was scared I’d ruin our friendship!”

They stare at each other in silence for a few seconds and then a laugh bubbles out of Yixing's mouth, eyes fond as he gazes up at Baekhyun. “Kiss me,” he whispers and uses his grip on Baekhyun’s wrists to pull him in.

Baekhyun melts against Yixing’s chest as their tongues brush languidly together, Yixing’s arms wrapping around him and hugging him closer, but another sudden thought makes him pull away again.

“Wait, wait,” he says breathlessly, ignoring the warm tug in his belly at the small whine Yixing makes as he chases after his lips. “What about Song Qian?”

“I broke up with her at Taemin’s party,” Yixing says, carding a hand in Baekhyun’s hair. “I was going to break things off and then talk to you the next day but _someone_ decided to run off and avoid me,” he pinches his side.

Baekhyun squirms away from his fingers and sighs, resting his cheek on Yixing’s shoulder. “We’re both so dumb, we could have saved so much time.”

“Maybe,” Yixing hums and takes the hand Baekhyun has resting on his chest to lace their fingers together. “But it’s okay, we’re here now.”

Baekhyun lets his thumb stroke over Yixing’s knuckles. “Yixing,” he says. “I did come home the day after Taemin’s party, but you weren’t there… I thought you had spent the night with Song Qian, so I left.”

“I didn’t,” Yixing says, nudging his nose against Baekhyun’s. “I waited all morning but eventually I had to leave for the studio, maybe you got home after that? I can’t believe the timing...”

Baekhyun gives a wry chuckle. "Yeah,” he sighs and tilts his chin to meet Yixing’s eyes, taking him in. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Baekhyun grins at the words, his chest full, heart light with happiness, and kisses Yixing again. It’s slower this time, for Baekhyun to savour Yixing’s taste and commit the feeling of his mouth against his own, of the tangle of his tongue with his own, to memory.

“Are you hungry?” Yixing asks when they part, their lips brushing together. “Want to make dinner together?”

Baekhyun nods, still smiling, and buries his face into Yixing’s neck, gripping his shirt tight as he breathes him in. “Yes.”

 

Δ

 

Baekhyun is pulled out of sleep by droplets of water hitting the back of his neck, making him shiver under the covers, and he sleepily blinks his eyes open as the bed dips under the weight of a warm body sliding beside him.

“Yixing?” he mumbles, rolling over and colliding with Yixing’s naked chest, slightly damp from the shower he probably just took. He tucks his face against it.

It feels so familiar now, how Yixing slips into Baekhyun's bed late at night after practice. It’s been barely a month, but Baekhyun feels as if they’ve been doing this forever.

“Hey,” Yixing whispers, slinging an arm around Baekhyun’s waist. “Go back to sleep, it’s late.”

“What time is it?”

“Four in the morning.”

Baekhyun hums, lazily dragging a hand up and down Yixing’s back, letting it tangle in his hair.

“Your hair is wet,” he says, frowning a little as he places a kiss in the hollow of his clavicle. “It’s too cold for that, you’ll catch something.”

“I won’t,” Yixing says, shaking his head, and draws him closer. “You’re warm enough.”

Baekhyun hums again, reproachful, and trails soft kisses down his chest, making Yixing sigh. He slides his hand to Yixing’s waist and gently cups his cock through his boxers, stroking him slowly as he sucks a nipple into his mouth.

Yixing moans and covers Baekhyun’s hand with his own. “Wait, I don’t think I can now, I’m too tired to move.”

Baekhyun shushes him and kisses his lips. “It’s okay,” he says, pushing him onto his back on the bed. “Just relax, I’ll take care of you.”

Yixing lets his hand go and closes his eyes, letting Baekhyun stroke him into full hardness, and letting out a gasp when he slips his hand under the waistband to wrap his fingers around his cock, pulling at it with slow, languid tugs.

Baekhyun sucks along the column of Yixing’s throat as he drags his hand up and down his shaft, swiping over the head to smear precum all over it, and relishes in the vibrations he can feel under his lips from Yixing’s soft moans.

“Baek,” Yixing pants, lifting into Baekhyun’s hand. “I’m gonna come…”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun breathes and speeds up, pumping Yixing’s cock harder, with sharp flicks of his wrist, until Yixing’s back arches and he comes with a long moan, spilling hotly onto Baekhyun’s hand.

Yixing opens his eyes and drags Baekhyun up by the waist. “Come here,” he says and licks heavily into his mouth as he snakes a hand in between them to wrap around Baekhyun’s cock.

Baekhyun moans and bucks his hips into the circle of Yixing’s fingers, letting out a heavy breath as Yixing digs his thumb into the slit of his cock. He breaks their kiss to bury his face against Yixing’s neck and it only takes a few more firm tugs for him to come with a loud gasp, shuddering through his release.  

Yixing sags on the bed then, exhaustion turning him boneless, and Baekhyun drops a kiss on his parted lips before sitting up.

“Sleep,” he tells him fondly. “I’ll clean us up.”

Yixing grips his wrist. “I love you, Baek,” he mumbles, eyes slipping shut.

Baekhyun smiles down at him, feeling as if no matter how many times he hears Yixing say those words his heart will always burst right through his chest, the shard that tore at him having long since dissipated.

“I love you, too.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it!  
> What did you think of this mess? I hope you liked it, let me know in the comments!
> 
> Thank you for reading ♡
> 
> Also... Yixing's dimples guys.... my ultimate weakness....


End file.
